Food - for you foodies

Last night I dreamt I was unleashed in one of those crazy American style buffets – the kind where every type of food imagined is somewhere, sitting under a bright heating lamp, slowly turning into plastic. I loved it! I didn’t know what to do with myself. My God; the options!!! I was sprinting in circles, trying to decide if I wanted macaroni and cheese, a breakfast burrito, a make-it-yourself salad, or just liquid cheese dip. My dreaming self, smartly, and health consciously, opted for everything. But when I got to the register, the lady in the hair net told me the total was $9.50 and I panicked. I didn’t have any money. It was a disaster of epic proportions. Then I woke up. And to be totally honest, I’m still a bit depressed – I was really looking forward to that liquid cheese.

The menu in Fiji would put the fanciest seafood restaurant to shame. If you want seafood; Fiji is your place. If you crave anything else. . .well, you’ll have to dream about it. The menu here looks something like this. . .all these items can be served with your choice of rice, cassava, dalo, or breakfast crackers:

• Fried Fish
• Boiled Fish
• Fish in coconut
• Fish with onions
• Fish with papaya
• Crab
• Lobster
• Curried Crab and Lobster
• Eel
• Octopus
• Oysters
• Seaweed
• Shark

Eating in a Fijian village goes something like this:

• Everyone sits cross-legged on the floor(on a mat made of palm fronds) around a long piece of cloth which is somehow acting as the table.

• The most important people sit at the top of the “table” while the least important sit at the bottom. It is a visual ranking system. If you wanna know how you are viewed in the Fijian community, just go to lunch. (also, men tend to be at the top and women at the bottom. . or they are in the kitchen finishing all the cooking).

• After a prayer everyone eats.

• You eat with your hands (which really is the best way)

• Bones and shells and seeds are still intact so as you eat you must carefully debone, peel, and unseed your food treats.

• If you are lucky you will get to eat the head of the fish. A majority of Fijians agree that the fish eyeballs are the best part. On this, I must disagree.

• While you eat, everyone around you will say, “Eat. Eat a lot. Eat.” They will say this the entire time you are stuffing your face. Even if you sat eating for 14 days and your gut outweighed a Killer Whale’s, they would still keep saying it. These people love to encourage a hearty appetite. (it is shocking Diabetes is the leading health problem is the country).

• When you are finished eating you will wash your hands in a bowl of water. Then you will say, “thank you for the food. I will rest now.” Then you move away from the “table” . . . By doing this you are allowing another person (who doesn’t rank as highly as you) to come sit in your spot and begin their meal.

The culture here embraces fat people. When you are looking exceptionally stunning someone might tell you, “My! Haven’t you gone fat!” Men sitting on the side of the road holler to attractive women by yelling, (essentially) “Hey, Fatty. You’re really Fat!” – it’s their catcall. It is a compliment. The word for fat is uro. So they really say, “hey, Uro. Uro Levu!” When guys yell this to me, I like to yell back, “Hey. Ulo. Ulo levu!” Ulo means worm in Fijian. sometimes my cleverness even astounds me.

Anyway, this is making me hungry. I gotta go eat.